Rapture Update; A Helpful Feature

It has come to my attention that we on the secular humanist side do not take our commitments to The Rapture at all seriously. i suspect this is because we are too busy with The Things That Are Caesar's, but i find it inauspicious all the same. therefore (and – in the way of all academic study – having found a perfect reference) i propose to bring us all up to speed.

first a couple of notes:

1. my reference is a delightful website, fittingly called "Rapture Ready" – which we patently are not. i will pass on the wisdoms of "Rapture Ready" and attempt to add helpful commentary or secular clarifications as needed.

2. "Rapture Ready" includes an all too vivid but nonetheless helpful ‘rapture index’, which they liken to the DJIA – only without the blue chips stock part. it takes into account all those pesky warning signs that we of The Things That Are Caesar's are too busy to notice. so you can think of it – and Philosophy and Fuflans – as your Morningstar Report for End-Time...

3. "Rapture Ready" also likens the "Rapture Index" to some kind of apocalyptic "speedometer" but i just can’t get my mind around that, so we’ll stick with the DJIA...

4. the "Rapture Index" includes 45 criteria for evaluating our approaching doom. i will only be discussing a few of these criteria at any given time. as i’m sure you are all aware, there are just too many Things That Are Caesar's for us to cope with 45 End-Time variables at once.

5. the "Rapture Index" is summed in a total number (0 to something beyond 145, as far as i can tell), with four categorical breakdowns:

1. 85 and lower
secular translation: bill clinton is re-elected; The Beast is ascendant
2. 85 to 110
secular translation: al gore is elected; The Beast gets a day job at the UN.
3. 110 to 145
secular translation: warren beatty is elected; The Beast is reading "Harry Potter".
4. 145+
secular translation: GAME OVER MMMMANNNNN!!

these breakdowns appear rather arbitrary to me, but as i am a Child of Caesar, what do i know?

so. enough notes...

We start out this exercise – January 6, 2005 – with a "Rapture Index" rating of 155.

we're already screwed.

more tomorrow. if you find one...

ruminations on silvio.

i have decided that if you must have a self-righteous right-winger with imperialist tendencies as your leader, it is far far better to have one that is sexist, frequently in trouble with the law and routinely offends the e.u... it is best of all if that same self-righteous right-winger with imperialist tendencies is a staunch defender of your nation's cheese.