A Grimm Tale Not to Be Forgotten.

once upon a time, in the best kingdom on earth in the days when the best kingdom on earth was the strongest and best-armed kingdom on earth, there dwelt a very important King. this King was a wise King and a sad King who understood that duty was sometimes hard to do, but never backed down.

and the people were blessed with their King.

now in the best and most strong kingdom on earth, there dwelt a Magician who was also very wise but so proud and willful that he could not stand any rival to his authority. this Magician was the wise King's best friend and he had many enemies, especially among the left wing media.

it came to pass that the wise King's kingdom -- even though the best and best-armed place on earth -- was riven by arguments. some thought that the wise King was the best King on earth and others that the wise King was not very wise at all. and at the last, one highly-placed unnamed courtier performed The Unspeakable Act and outed a CIA agent to the press.

the wise and righteous King was amazed that one of his subjects could be so wicked and vowed to search high and low throughout his kingdom to punish the evildoer.

one evening a man in the peculiar garb of a Times Magazine Reporter arrived at the wise King's court. he told the King he knew the best secret in the world. "i will tell you my secret, " he said, "but you must promise to stand by your word and do your duty -- no matter how hard it might be. if you do not keep your promise, you will lose the thing most dear to you."

the wise and noble King eagerly promised to keep his word and do his duty. and the Time Magazine Reporter told him the best secret in the world: the name of the evildoer who performed The Unspeakable Act. at this, the wise and righteous King was filled with dismay for the name that he heard was none other than that of his best friend, the Magician.

"now, do as you've promised and punish the evildoer, " commanded the Times Magazine Reporter.

"but i cannot," cried the wise and troubled King. "the Magician is my best friend! my right hand man!"

"then you have chosen to lose the thing most dear to you." said the Times Magazine Reporter, sadly. he disappeared in a puff of reddish smoke.

the King sat in silence and thought that he did not at all like the Times Magazine Reporter.

suddenly there was a great noise as if a large curtain was being ripped apart and the King's room was flooded with blue light. everything became quiet as death.

and then nothing at all happened.

the King and the Magician lived happily ever after and the people of the kingdom were blessed with their King in the best kingdom on earth in the days when the best kingdom on earth was the strongest and best-armed kingdom.

Rapture Update; A Helpful Feature

It has come to my attention that we on the secular humanist side do not take our commitments to The Rapture at all seriously. i suspect this is because we are too busy with The Things That Are Caesar's, but i find it inauspicious all the same. therefore (and – in the way of all academic study – having found a perfect reference) i propose to bring us all up to speed.

first a couple of notes:

1. my reference is a delightful website, fittingly called "Rapture Ready" – which we patently are not. i will pass on the wisdoms of "Rapture Ready" and attempt to add helpful commentary or secular clarifications as needed.

2. "Rapture Ready" includes an all too vivid but nonetheless helpful ‘rapture index’, which they liken to the DJIA – only without the blue chips stock part. it takes into account all those pesky warning signs that we of The Things That Are Caesar's are too busy to notice. so you can think of it – and Philosophy and Fuflans – as your Morningstar Report for End-Time...

3. "Rapture Ready" also likens the "Rapture Index" to some kind of apocalyptic "speedometer" but i just can’t get my mind around that, so we’ll stick with the DJIA...

4. the "Rapture Index" includes 45 criteria for evaluating our approaching doom. i will only be discussing a few of these criteria at any given time. as i’m sure you are all aware, there are just too many Things That Are Caesar's for us to cope with 45 End-Time variables at once.

5. the "Rapture Index" is summed in a total number (0 to something beyond 145, as far as i can tell), with four categorical breakdowns:

1. 85 and lower
secular translation: bill clinton is re-elected; The Beast is ascendant
2. 85 to 110
secular translation: al gore is elected; The Beast gets a day job at the UN.
3. 110 to 145
secular translation: warren beatty is elected; The Beast is reading "Harry Potter".
4. 145+
secular translation: GAME OVER MMMMANNNNN!!

these breakdowns appear rather arbitrary to me, but as i am a Child of Caesar, what do i know?

so. enough notes...

We start out this exercise – January 6, 2005 – with a "Rapture Index" rating of 155.

we're already screwed.

more tomorrow. if you find one...

ruminations on silvio.

i have decided that if you must have a self-righteous right-winger with imperialist tendencies as your leader, it is far far better to have one that is sexist, frequently in trouble with the law and routinely offends the e.u... it is best of all if that same self-righteous right-winger with imperialist tendencies is a staunch defender of your nation's cheese.